A Mother's Mind

               As I was sitting outside in the sun, listening to the birds singing with tears rolling down my face. I started thinking about love, family, and friends. I closed my eyes and I prayed. I prayed for my friend who is losing her battle with cancer. I prayed for her family and how much her loss was going to affect them. I prayed for understanding, why her? My friend is a beautiful person inside and out. She never worried about herself and always asked about how your life was instead. She was not selfish she was loving and caring. Why her?

              I sent her a text saying that I wanted to grow up and be just like her this morning.  But what does that really mean? How do you say goodbye? I never say goodbye when someone leaves, I say I will see you again. Why do I say that? I say that because I know God promises us that we will see our loved ones again someday and I really believe that.

              I am titling this a Mother’s Mind because we all have the same things on our minds, the same worries, the same loves, and the same time limit. However sometimes God has other plans and we may leave sooner then others or later then others. We are not guaranteed anything in life.

              I know I am rambling but I really needed to get these thoughts on paper or online. There is so much going on in our world that it has left me worrying. I know I said the word worry again. I’m sorry but basically that is being a mother. Frankly it should be our middle names after we have children. Actually we should start from when you first think about being a mother. I worried when my husband and I got married but it was a different kind of worry. When we started thinking about having kids, well let’s just say the worry ball started to roll.

I think a lot of these thoughts started when I lost my friend Jody. She was an amazing faith loving woman. Singing in her church volunteering for everything and still finding the time to love her family, her God, friends, and life. She battled cancer like a champion, and I was in awe of her. I met her when we worked a booth at Scouts. I listened to her tell of all of her journeys with cancer about how much she loved being involved with her kids lives.

              My friend Tammy, another person I am in awe of was someone that helped me find my love of God again. When my son was ready, we started him in Sunday School it was busy but fun. We met Tammy and she was so friendly and welcoming that my son was sold. He wanted to be involved in Sunday School even after he was done. Then he joined the puppet team and Wednesday Night Live. We still work together helping with this group with our dear friend Jill.

              I started out telling you about these two women because they both made me think about my time on this earth. Have I done everything I wanted to do and should do? 

              During this time that I have been home I have changed how things are done. I do not have to run to work or meetings. I am taking time for me and my family when I want to. I am going to slow down and listen more to the world around me. If you knew me you would know how hard it is for me to do this. 

I am sitting outside again; the birds are chirping there is a slight breeze. The momma birds have families they are feeding, but they take time to sit there. Time to relax and comfort those around them. Why can’t we be like that? So now I am going to look at myself and figure out how to slow down and be more comforting.

             Are you with me yet? Funny thing is if you have made it this far, I might be saying something that makes sense or something you have been thinking about yourself. I am not here to tell you how or what, but I am here to say that I am there with you I am fighting the fight also.

              FEAR…that is a big word. What does it mean? Well the dictionary says an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. Do I feel threatened? Kind of. Do I feel like there will be pain? Yes, I do. Is it dangerous I would not say it is dangerous, but I will say that my thoughts get away from me sometimes and I do not know how to slow them down? Can you sit down and write what you are afraid of ? I am going to try. Maybe together we can help each other find a way through this fear, through this mommy mind.

              I met a friend for lunch one day and I asked her if she ever felt fear about leaving her children behind if anything should God forbid ever happen to her. She said yes, all the time. I said me to. It was the first time I had ever said that out loud to anyone. I have these thoughts that go through like, will my kids forget me? What will I do if they need me? But then I will not be here to worry about it. So WHY am I worrying about now? Will they fall apart? Will they be able to go on?

              I want to say that you will go on, you will fall apart but hopefully they will be stay together. Why do I worry about this I am not sure? Why do you worry about it? I think we are moms until we die. I think we are always thinking about others above ourselves. Have you ever looked at your pictures and realized how many of them you are not in? I just did this recently and I was amazed at how many pictures I am not part of. Do you know why? We are behind the camera looking at life. 

Make a pact with me that we will try and be in the picture more and be part of life more. Wow this has been amazing getting this down. Smile more, laugh more and love more...